It used to cause me pain and unhappiness, thinking about this all the time, but that is because I was sad and unhappy. Now that I have gained some sort of control over where my mind goes when deep in the churning process I can keep it on the path of brightness and health instead of that road that is always lurking on the other side, the dark and dangerous road of insecurity and self-loathing. It has been long and hard but overall successful journey to get my mind and heart aligned. All of this came about for you today because I opened a fortune cookie yesterday and written in tiny blue writing was a statement so parallel to how I feel, almost as if the cookie was telling me that I had made it, a check point on the road of life. I passed GO and although I didn't get $200 a deposit has been made on soul (cheesy I know but just go with me). That little piece of paper is telling me to keep doing what I am doing and it will all happen whatever it may be!
Well how was that for a Friday morning? How is your life this week? I could use about 5-10 more hours in my day, and not because I need more sleep but because I have more life I want to live. Don't get me wrong this girl LOVES to sleep but I am really starting to think that I can start cutting my sleeping down an hour or two. Between 6-8 hours is what I normally try and allow myself. I might just stick to 6 and see how my body handles it. I know sleep is great for your body and I love the rest but there is so much going on, so much I want to read or take in each day that I don't get to be a part of because I just don't have the time. And yes I am working on a show at Trustus and if you have every taken part in the live theatre process you KNOW that it is all consuming. You spend hours upon hours working with scripts building characters incorporating lights, sounds, movement, props, costumes all the while dealing with egos and feelings of the different people involved. I am the stage manager and I love the job. The more I am responsible for the better I feel, bring it on. Anywho doing a show will take over your life but it is the best way to spend a night, I love to say "People are funny..." when I see strange or bizarre happenings throughout the world, and let me tell you people who do theatre are HILARIOUS. You want to meet an interesting group of people go sit in on a rehearsal process one night. You will see some of the most monumentally inspiring dedication ever, watching someone truly commit to being someone else and making words on paper become their actual thoughts and genuine desires may be the hardest thing you can ask a spirit to do. And they have to do it for months on end just for one show.
Now for me it is different because I am crew, the commitment is still unshakable and you won't see a group of people work so hard to achieve perfection as a crew of a live theatre stage production. But it goes further for me. I get truly involved; the stage becomes mine, each prop an extension of my duties. Each sound or lighting cue make or break. On the first night of rehearsal I start quilting a blanket (metaphorically speaking) and by opening night if I have done everything I can do and the director has done what they need, I take that blanket and cast it over the show. I take it upon myself to watch out for the well being of everyone and everything that is involved. Somewhere in my heart is a room full of tapestries. Art that I have sewn over the many years (16 to be exact) that I have been stage managing show. Some of those quilts are bigger than others(Rocky Horror), some are a bit moth eaten(The Graduate) but in general they are hanging high reminding me of this wonderful alter-world that I have been so privileged of which to be a part.
All that because I started talking about how I need a few more hours in my day! Ha! Well I am working all day today at the toy store, then off to rehearsal and then I am doing it all over again tomorrow. But you know what thinking about the hours that I will spend in the same place today might make me think about all the things that i will be missing, the fair or time reading my new book, but I really don't feel that way. I am going to go to work and I want to be productive and I want to be a good employee because I am grateful to have a job, an opportunity to make someone's day a little bit happier. Because no matter what we are all in the service industry. We all wake up and spend the day providing something for someone else.
That may be depressing to some who think what am I getting from this but for me I get from the giving. Of course that paycheck every two weeks is necessary but truly I get so much joy in my life from being able to give. So think about that while you are out there in the world. If just for a second stop worrying about what you are getting out of it, turn it around and think about what you can give to it because it will come back to you. We should all think of ourselves as little mirrors, we cast out what we can and it is given back by everyone we come in contact with, so what is on your inside that you are sending out? Is it something you would want to see when you look in the mirror?
Consider your life through Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray that there is a painting of ourselves on a wall and we can watch the deterioration of our souls. That every evil thing we do is physically written on our bodies. Would we still do them? Just because we can't always see the direct effect of our actions, that doesn't mean they don't exist. Think about that when you are making decisions, what do you want your painting to look like!
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