My cats drink water out of my fish bowls, just a sidebar of info., and I think it is really cute. Just hope they don't actually get the fish! I am thoroughly enjoying my job with the school district. My brother and his wife are going to have a daughter in February. My friends are all marrying and babying and I am trying not to eat too much caking!
Anywho so I don't have any drama to talk about right now, well except for the little pit of drama darkness that just kind of hangs out in the back of my head all the time. I keep a pretty barrier up around it most of the time.
Well except for last night when I got all freaked out about not knowing what is going to happen. Like in a situation between two people, I freaked out because things are all nice and calm and I was all OMG when is the bottom going to fall out. It took the form of me being accusatory and finger pointy and victimy but as I was talking my way through it I realized it was just my nerves, my anxiety, my worry. I get that from my maternal grandmother, Nanny, ooooo that woman could worry.
So there it is, my worry. It is always there, the ability to just loose all control of my rational self, that understands that a lot of the joy of life is the wonder and the not knowing, and fling my mind into this existential moshpit. What does this mean? Will it end? Everything ends, oh no what will happen when it ends...you get my drift.
I must say, however, that I have begun to study my mental moshpits. I try and figure out what happens to trigger them, and how do I get out of them. Well meds help some but I stay on extremely low doses of everything I take because I want to to be more me than meds. But it seems that talking through the pit got me to the base of it and back out again a lot faster than normal. By talking through the irrational outer layer I was able to get myself into the inner layer of understanding. I figured out why I spiraled. It is said that someone like me who grew up in the situation I grew up in has a harder time grasping and sustaining healthy relationships because they are unknown.
The bottom always falls out. Well it always has before so doesn't that mean that it is going to again? Maybe, but the difference is I have more control over it than I used to. I have more knowledge as a tool to help me. I could pull a nanny and worry myself sick over what is going to happen, but I don't want to do that.
If someone you love breaks your trust the worse thing you can do is stop trusting, or stop loving. For me trust issues are like, duh. I mean I am not even going to get into all the crazy scenarios I have actually lived through that then turn themselves into worry when I am in new situations because I will think oh God what if that happens again. Um whoa brain, let's just hold our horses. What if it does happen again? You lived through it the first time and look how brilliant you still are (a little praise is needed from time to time, right?) So then let the record show that you are alive and the better for it.
So boom, problem solved. Well you know not exactly but it is a start. I think trusting someone new, or again, or for real, is that little flutter you get. Sometimes when I think about how much I love and care for some people I get that little flutter, and yes it is because I love them but it is also because I trust them, and that's a good place to start!
