Letting it go, and then putting it back together!

I have been an active person all my life. I started dance classes when I was 3, I was the only girl in the baseball little league, I switched to softball in 6^th grade and kept that up through high school. I lettered in swimming in high school and managed the cross country team. At boarding school we played all the sports, I was goalie in soccer, quarter back in football, MVP at basketball, and made the doubles tennis team.  

In college I lived in the gym and took college-level dance classes, I lifted weights, watched what I ate and kick-boxed my way to the strongest I’ve ever been. 

(In college, look at that energy)

Post college I kept working out, not as diligently because the routine changes, the daily social pressure changes, migrating from young body-conscious peers to work-oriented colleagues. It matters less what you look like and more what you bring to the table. The stresses of full-time employment is an easy gateway into an expanding waistline.  

When I moved to China I spent a lot of time in a Chinese gym, if you think you know self-consciousness in a gym setting you have no idea until you are naturally the biggest and weirdest looking person in the room and EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU…the whole time. Eventually the gym became a place that I was able to build up my language skills. Talking to the trainers and other gym goers improved my Mandarin. That eventually waned though, the isolation of culture shock began to set in and I ended up spending a lot of time eating oily foods and binging out on the most delicious noodle meals in this world.

(Climbing a Chinese Mountain with Linz and Nick, and being celebs for our whiteness)

When I came home from China I weigh the most I have ever weighed at that point in my life, I was 28 though so I didn’t really know what real weight gain was (hint now I’m in my 30s.) So I hit the gym, my friends and I joined weight watchers and I started running. This was the first time in my life that I could describe myself as a runner. I woke up almost every day and hit the pavement. Thanks to a very supportive friend (Lydia) I got stronger and ran further than I ever thought was possible. I got down to my thinnest, healthiest and strongest point in late 2011.

(R to L: Me, EG, Lydia, Elizabeth, Greg after I PR'd a 5K)

Fast forward to January 2013, my best friend gets married (YAY). We had been working out and doing a plant-based nutrition program that made me feel amazing but was completely limiting, and I didn’t get the results I wanted. It was started to get harder and harder to get results. I would work out and eat right but the weight stayed right where it was, like a millennial not ready to move out of the house, the fat clung to my thighs. My frustration became a concern so I talked to my doctor, her response was less than encouraging. “Some people’s body just won’t let go.” I am a healthy person, blood pressure is good, blood sugar is great, cholesterol is an A+, and my heart is right on track. So as a somewhat stubborn person I said “BUCKET” (well you know what I actually said), and I just stopped caring. I stopped working out, I stopped caring about watching what I eat and I just let it all go. I have to mention that this period of time in my life was also full of grief and loss which just brings up all the other unresolved issues of grief and loss in my life. So it is safe to say that from February 2013 until now I have been totally slack with diet and exercise. I have ballooned to my largest self ever, I also blame my 30s, but I am ready to make some major changes.

In the past month I have let go of a relationship that was really weighing down on my soul, it is actually a little easier to breath without the stress of this “friendship” in my life. I have also accepted a new job with an organization that I love, it is a move back to my non-profit roots with an emphasis on helping the community in a way that I have been hoping to do. I also am taking a graduate certificate course at Winthrop University, as you can see things are changing. I am making changes and I am ready to transition back to the things in my life that make me truly happy. I am going to focus on my fitness and my foods, I am ready start a new brilliant chapter in my life, and I am starting it now. So thanks for reading and hope you’ll follow me along the next part of my crazy life.

(Me now, not terrible but notice the draping material, hides the chubs)

Lastly, I recently realized that I have one big problem in my life. I am single (that isn’t the problem) and I haven’t really had what one might call a “stable, healthy relationship”, and I want that…like a lot. But I was standing in my house looking at all my stuff, I love my stuff, when I realized that I have NO ROOM IN MY LIFE for someone else. I have a lot of holes in my emotional life (re: the aforementioned grief and loss) and instead of working to fill those holes I have covered them with really pretty rugs and vibrant art. I covered them with jobs and boards and events and meetings and plans…the list goes on and on. Now, I attack most problems with logical strategies, but we are talking about emotions, so logic be damned. What I am hoping will happen in this next “brilliant chapter of my life” will help me uncover the holes, one by one, and begin to care for them. I need to recognize them because they are my pockets of vulnerability that I hide from the world. They are my soft spots that are easily bruised, so I have covered them and forgotten about them. However, thanks to Brene Brown I understand the truth about vulnerability.

Don’t know Brené Brown? Check out her TED Talk here!

 

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and see you soon.