About love...

You know just the act of talking about things you love makes you happier. I am not basing this on any scientific fact, just on personal analysis and observation. Being the extreme over analyzer that I am, it might as well be fact.

So I am going to keep talking about my favorites, and things I love.

I recently got into crystal healing. Well, in the past year. It is so hippie, earth mother, goddess, witch baby YA YA and it is the best.

I had big loss in my life in 2013 then again in 2014, and I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. The combination of all of those things was wreaking havoc on my soul. Something I used to be so proud of, what I like to call my "extreme feeling". I have been extreme feeling my way through life, but all the loss, and emotional manipulation forced me to minimize. I took those feelings and constantly told them they were invalid and not valuable and that they were just making things worse, so I put them in a box and shoved that box into the open wound that was my heart and stitched it up. Luckily I am a terrible seamstress, and with time, recognition, and reflection I realized I missed my extreme feelings. I missed the girl who could lie on a bed listening to music just FEELING, for hours. The end of the toxic relationship, and the addition of a helpful therapist, I began to open back up again. I started to welcome love and friendship and experiences. I listen to music again, I watch movies, and hangout with my friends. All things I did, but all of it was in black and white for years. Now I am back and I am in technicolor, baby!

In January I admitted something to my therapist, I have been drilling into my head for years that I am happy alone and will be content being single forever, but I am not happy and that is not what I want. It never really made much sense because I believe family and relationships are the "only true currency in this bankrupt world" (butchery of my favorite Almost Famous quote) it was incongruous that I thought I could lock all those desires away. I had a weird childhood. A parental role over my mom, a distant almost burdensome relationship with my dad (luckily we have fixed all that) so I have a very mixed idea of what love is. I never wanted to be weak like my mom, so I try to be strong. I never wanted to be needy like her. One parent was weak but loving, the other strong but distant...so here I am 34 and trying to blend those two, I want to be strong and loving. I am sure it can be done...but it is gonna be hard work. You know what else is hard work, having to convince yourself that you don't actually need that thing that you've needed your whole life. I am tired of fighting the internal struggle. I can be a strong woman and love someone, want someone, need someone. Those things are not mutually exclusive, and it has seriously taken me years to figure this out. So here I am, a big open ball of extreme feeling that just wants to be loved.

Well I went off on a bit of a tangent there, didn't I?!

Well in my quest back into the world of loving and feeling I stumbled onto crystals. I inherited several from my witch baby Aunt Cathy, so I thought I would check out their meanings, and man have I jumped on that bandwagon. I started with some simple stones and have have moved into a pretty vast collection.

This is a chakra balancing set. I am obsessed with the blue one, it is a Sodalite and represents the throat chakra...which is totally fitting because I am a Gemini and I am controlled by throat, neck, air. It helps with communication problems and heals the thyroid. 

I know all of this sounds a little like hocus pocus but honestly it helps me think about the mind and body and how it is connected to everything around us. My favorite right now, of course, is my rose quartz necklace. 

This is the love stone, naturally. I wear it with my beautiful Tiffany & Co key

The two together represent the unlocking of my heart...but you probably could have guessed that, because you're really great. I am going to the beach with a bunch of my girlfriends this weekend and I will bring my crystals. I will hand them out and we will stand in the shallow surf under the full moon and talk about what we love, what we are grateful for, and what we hope for the coming year. It is one of my favorite times of the year. It is so funny which friends will totally humor me and which ones think I'm a hippie nut. But they all love me and that's a start. 

xoxox

MY favorites!

When we were kids people always asked us what our favorite things are, or simply as kids we talked constantly about our favs. I made a new friendship recently and one of the things we were doing to get to know each other is talk about our favorite things. It is interesting how fluid favorite things can be, colors, songs, movies...all that can change. However, so many things are constant, the feeling I have when I stand in front of the ocean for the first time each new summer. The vastness of it all, the insignificance of the minutia in our lives. The terror of the unknown, and the trust we have with life and the universe to deliver us where we need to be. Now you may be thinking that is a lot to get from just looking at a body of water, but this is something that progresses every year of my life! I was in Mexico and stood in front of the caribbean sea, and it is the most beautiful ocean arguably in the world, but that is not my favorite. Next week I will be in Litchfield staring at the brown cold Atlantic ocean, and that is my favorite. It is the sea I grew up with, the strong pull and influence in my life. When I go to the west coast the pull of the ocean just feels wrong, backwards. I am an east coast girl, for life!

I have 3 new favorties and wanted to share them here:

1. TV Show: ROADIES!!!
If you don't have showtime, go on Amazon Prime and buy the season pass to this show. I was an Almost Famous ADDICT! I watched that movie constantly and lived and breathed the soundtrack. This show is that kind of Cameron Crowe writing, great music, the tour bus, but in the best way possible, because it is the story of the stage crew. The people that make every show possible. As a technical theatre person, who spent the past 22 years of her life being the crew, managing the crew, and directing the crew, this show speaks to my soul. One summer I was hired a couple of times to help tear down concert stages in Charlotte, it was the most fun. One of the crew members for Kid Rock saw me carrying some heavy rigging and said that he wasn't used to seeing girls do the work, usually they wee just hanging around trying to meet the band...and without stopping I looked at him and said "I'm not that kind of girl".

2: Jewelry: Mango Women's Rigid Bracelet Set 
Just ordered these from Amazon. I have an Amazon problem. I also have a shopping problem. I actually said that I am not allowed to buy any clothes in July. So good so far...bc apparently I just buy jewelry instead. I love a bangle though and this set is stretchy, but doesn't pinch. I am going to wear them tonight to see American Idiot at Trustus Theatre for the 2nd time bc this is a 2 time show...for sure. Anyway, check out these bracelets in the link above! I am not being paid for this, just sharing!

3: Soma Sustainable Carafe because WATER!!
I also have a water problem, well it probably isn't a problem bc you are suppose to drink a lot of water. I am obsessed with water. I have a large brita that I keep out because normally I just drink room temp water, but it is the summer...in South Carolina and I live in a tiny old house that heats up like a dry sauna. In the afternoons it is usual for my house to be 80 degrees which is better than outside but when you work from home, it is distracting! So when I saw the Soma I got excited bc it would fit in my fridge and not take up a lot of room, which is another issue. I have a really weird fridge, older model that was not designed well, spatially. Anywho, this filter fits, and keeps my water super cold and refreshing. I have used it for 2 days and am in LOVE! The water tastes better than the brita too. Drink two of these a day and you are well passed what you need on a daily basis!

Ok that's all for now, although I also rewatched the movie SNATCH recently and you should too, Guy Ritchie doing what Guy Ritchie does best...also Brad Pitt "Do you like DEGS?"

Also the song "Needed Me" by Rhianna..."Didn't they tell you I was a savage" yesssss!

xoxoxo

I'm Looking for a Mind at Work...Work

"I'm Looking for a Mind at Work...Work" is one of my favorite lyrics sung by the character Angelic Schuyler in the OUTSTANDING musical Hamilton. If you have not started listening to this show on repeat you best get started bc you will be better off for it. Also, dear everyone who works out at MUV Fitness on Forest Drive...my bad, I promise I am not having an episode I am just listening to Hamilton while I am on the treadmill/elliptical/lifting weights and I probably look crazy pants. I AM OK WITH THAT BECAUSE HAMILTON!

Speaking of being at the gym. I 100% forgot how much I love going to the gym. Not only are there tons of HOT guys to look at, thank you gentlemen, but ENDORPHINS! Whoa, I totally forgot about endorphins. I downloaded this app called SKYFIT that is basically like doing a group training class but on your own. I do the elliptical tracks because the elliptical can be pretty boring. These tracks have great music and enthusiastic class leaders. I was coming off of one of the more difficult tracks where you turn the incline and the resistance all the way up, and all of a sudden I felt AMAZING. Everything in life seemed perfect and full of meaning. I felt connected to the people around me...then as my heart rate came down I chilled out a little and realized that I went full endorphin beast mode and it was great. I felt better the rest of the day and I could not wait to get back to the gym and try it again. This is a big WIN for me.

I also joined weight watchers in November, which sounds like something your mom or grandma or great aunt is doing. It kind of is like that because our class is filled with a bunch of older women with a *wicked sweet tooth* they are wonderful and supportive and a little bit "get off my lawn"-y! The program really works if you follow it....and I have lost 12lbs, which is great but I am in a rut now. Only because I am not following the program....because it is so hard. I am thankful because it got me back in the gym...but I am not thankful because it doesn't want me to go have chicken wings with my dad, which I always want to do. Why does it have to be a challenge? WHYYYYYY? Ugh come on, with all the crap we have to deal with on the regular now if I have any chance of getting in ideal shape I have to think about and focus on every piece of food I put in my mouth. WHO WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT? I know it is all about making better habits, and I am working on it, but will power will only get you so far.

ALSO, I work for a company in which the main focus is to feed people. It is not lost on me that I struggle to eat less while working to feed people more. I might as well be Catholic with all this guilt I carry.

Life is weird, yo! One thing I can say is that Sumner on this day is in a much better, happier, healthier place than Sumner on this day last year, and that is something at which I cannot be mad.

Referencing back to that wonderful Hamilton quote, I have to talk about something that I just recently realized I don't ever talk about...my singledom, it is something I joke about and brag about, but don't actually discuss. I am a single woman in her 30s in a southern state....so basically an anomaly. In a society that places EVERYTHING on marriage and family I am an outlier. There are all sorts of Freudian psychological reasons that could explain my lack of relationship. My childhood was a paradox of having to constantly care for the females in my life while being told not to ever be a woman who needs to be taken care of...it makes some conflicting issues. My dad is proud of me for being able to "be alone" and take care of myself. So part of me thinks I would let him down if I decided to actually marry someone. Will that make me a woman that no longer is able to "be alone". The struggle is real, y'all. I pride myself of "being fine" alone, happy alone, enjoying my piece and quite. I am feminist hear me roar, alone. But let's be honest....I grew up in this society just like everyone else. I am human just like everyone else. I crave a partnership and a witness. Someone to confide in and commune with, to whom I share my successes and fears. I recently read Mindy Kaling's book "Why Not Me" and several times I connected whole heartedly to this book. And yeah, WHY NOT ME? I have done everything "stop looking and it will happen" tried that, "take a class and meet someone new" tried it, "do volunteer work" did it do it run it. "Have you tried dating online?" wait what like on the internet? OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED THAT... and it is scary. So I am trying the one thing that I haven't tried, talking about it. I do want to be in a committed relationship. I want to know what it is like to be in a truly committed partnership. Honestly the longest relationship I have ever had was 9 months and with someone that was 8 years younger than me and clearly not going to be life-long. People, especially guys, are attracted to the fact that I am strong and independent and don't "need" anyone. That's cool, I am glad y'all like that but I am ready for someone. I will not settle, it has taken all my life but I finally know what I am worth and I will "wait for it", wait for the right one. I am looking for a kind, fine "Mind at Work" and I want to be "HELPLESS" although I'm worried I will be one who is never "Satisfied"!