"I'm Looking for a Mind at Work...Work" is one of my favorite lyrics sung by the character Angelic Schuyler in the OUTSTANDING musical Hamilton. If you have not started listening to this show on repeat you best get started bc you will be better off for it. Also, dear everyone who works out at MUV Fitness on Forest Drive...my bad, I promise I am not having an episode I am just listening to Hamilton while I am on the treadmill/elliptical/lifting weights and I probably look crazy pants. I AM OK WITH THAT BECAUSE HAMILTON!
Speaking of being at the gym. I 100% forgot how much I love going to the gym. Not only are there tons of HOT guys to look at, thank you gentlemen, but ENDORPHINS! Whoa, I totally forgot about endorphins. I downloaded this app called SKYFIT that is basically like doing a group training class but on your own. I do the elliptical tracks because the elliptical can be pretty boring. These tracks have great music and enthusiastic class leaders. I was coming off of one of the more difficult tracks where you turn the incline and the resistance all the way up, and all of a sudden I felt AMAZING. Everything in life seemed perfect and full of meaning. I felt connected to the people around me...then as my heart rate came down I chilled out a little and realized that I went full endorphin beast mode and it was great. I felt better the rest of the day and I could not wait to get back to the gym and try it again. This is a big WIN for me.
I also joined weight watchers in November, which sounds like something your mom or grandma or great aunt is doing. It kind of is like that because our class is filled with a bunch of older women with a *wicked sweet tooth* they are wonderful and supportive and a little bit "get off my lawn"-y! The program really works if you follow it....and I have lost 12lbs, which is great but I am in a rut now. Only because I am not following the program....because it is so hard. I am thankful because it got me back in the gym...but I am not thankful because it doesn't want me to go have chicken wings with my dad, which I always want to do. Why does it have to be a challenge? WHYYYYYY? Ugh come on, with all the crap we have to deal with on the regular now if I have any chance of getting in ideal shape I have to think about and focus on every piece of food I put in my mouth. WHO WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT? I know it is all about making better habits, and I am working on it, but will power will only get you so far.
ALSO, I work for a company in which the main focus is to feed people. It is not lost on me that I struggle to eat less while working to feed people more. I might as well be Catholic with all this guilt I carry.
Life is weird, yo! One thing I can say is that Sumner on this day is in a much better, happier, healthier place than Sumner on this day last year, and that is something at which I cannot be mad.
Referencing back to that wonderful Hamilton quote, I have to talk about something that I just recently realized I don't ever talk about...my singledom, it is something I joke about and brag about, but don't actually discuss. I am a single woman in her 30s in a southern state....so basically an anomaly. In a society that places EVERYTHING on marriage and family I am an outlier. There are all sorts of Freudian psychological reasons that could explain my lack of relationship. My childhood was a paradox of having to constantly care for the females in my life while being told not to ever be a woman who needs to be taken care of...it makes some conflicting issues. My dad is proud of me for being able to "be alone" and take care of myself. So part of me thinks I would let him down if I decided to actually marry someone. Will that make me a woman that no longer is able to "be alone". The struggle is real, y'all. I pride myself of "being fine" alone, happy alone, enjoying my piece and quite. I am feminist hear me roar, alone. But let's be honest....I grew up in this society just like everyone else. I am human just like everyone else. I crave a partnership and a witness. Someone to confide in and commune with, to whom I share my successes and fears. I recently read Mindy Kaling's book "Why Not Me" and several times I connected whole heartedly to this book. And yeah, WHY NOT ME? I have done everything "stop looking and it will happen" tried that, "take a class and meet someone new" tried it, "do volunteer work" did it do it run it. "Have you tried dating online?" wait what like on the internet? OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED THAT... and it is scary. So I am trying the one thing that I haven't tried, talking about it. I do want to be in a committed relationship. I want to know what it is like to be in a truly committed partnership. Honestly the longest relationship I have ever had was 9 months and with someone that was 8 years younger than me and clearly not going to be life-long. People, especially guys, are attracted to the fact that I am strong and independent and don't "need" anyone. That's cool, I am glad y'all like that but I am ready for someone. I will not settle, it has taken all my life but I finally know what I am worth and I will "wait for it", wait for the right one. I am looking for a kind, fine "Mind at Work" and I want to be "HELPLESS" although I'm worried I will be one who is never "Satisfied"!
