At least someone appreciates my DRAMA!

Seriously, last Saturday was pretty dramatic for me! I start off on a 3 mile run and end up on a ball crying on my floor! But then I wrote about it! I got mad and sad and cried and posted it on Facebook and Twitter and you read all about it! The emotional lawnmower of the past year and a half! A lot of people commented in extremely supportive ways, others told me I need to take it down because it made me look lame! Whatever, I don't give to salt shakes how it makes me look! People, professional people, will tell you that when you are going through something extreme, something traumatic that you should share it! That goes for the good and the bad! "They" also tell you that if you can find something healthy that will make you feel better than by all means get on it, what are you waiting for? So I did, I got on and got it out!

I kid you not by the end of the day I felt so completely refreshed! Crying alone can just make you feel better, like you have this ish inside of you that needs to come out and the only way to get it out is just to let it fall in salty tears down your face and in my case onto my floor! It is a bonus when you scare your cat, I love scaring my cats! It also helped me realize that *Liza cat, not so good with the comforting, first sign of the water works and she was off to the living room to lounge on the sofa in the sunlight, clearly she is a Bender! However, my *Ranger kitty was right there with me making biscuits on my back trying to make me feel better. His purrs normally warm my heart but there was a no go at that point, not until I wrote it out!

Now I will admit that the post itself is histrionic, and melancholy! Which is kind of beautiful in its own way because what is delight without melancholia and what is the blessing of reserve if you don't completely blow it away in the most over dramatic way possible! I am not trying to diminish what I wrote. That junk is a mess, I have been through a pile of it and have started to dig my way out, but let's be honest here, I have a lot of staring in the mirror a head of me!

Really, none of this happens if I walk away, hindsight 20/20 is all that I know but that is not an excuse! I don't get to make terrible decisions about my love life and just wash them away with the cleansing cloth of hindsight. I make TERRIBLE decisions when it comes to love and relationships!

 Yeah I have other excuses and reasons and I went through a helluva a lot growing up that most don't have to, I grew up day one and never looked back! But I still am the one making those decisions! Ugh. over and over and over again! I am the one who answers that phone when he calls I am the one who cries and goes back for more. But I am also the one who will stand on her soap box and talk about how the world is just a long list of choices that we make! We create the life we lead by the choices we make and the responses we give...it is so frustrating to not be able to take your own advice, to have insight and wisdom to give others but to completely toss it in the air and hide from it like a child when it comes to my own life. (the image of me making it rain with insightful one liners pops in here)

Now I will say that on Saturday night I asked, well demanded really, that my a couple of my (non-pregnant) girl friends take me out on the town. I needed some social interaction. And I must say it was a total success! I danced and people watched and felt good about how my taste in men has changed since the last time I was out at a bar with a glimmer in my eye! I know what I want and I am not afraid to wait for it! I did meet a good looking guy who was smart and tall and hey interested in me! I gave him my number but he hasn't called. And I don't really mind, I don't feel let down or rejected by the guy who didn't call I mean hell just giving him my number was a big step and helped me get my confidence back! It was easy! Besides if he didn't call then he probably wasn't looking for anything more than a one-night-fun-stand, and hey I am no prude but you can guarantee it is going to take a lot more than a witty repartee complemented by a gin & tonic (or 2)! Having that confidence that you are not going to be paralyzed with self doubt because a guy didn't call is for lack of a better word, freeing! Bring it on! Sure I will give you my number, I am not going home with you but if you want to talk again call me, if not I am gonna be juuuust fine!

I am totally flawed and totally fine with it!
I am totally dramatic and totally thankful for it!

*Liza Kitty not caring about the drama.

**Ranger Kitty being all "I care"

The Campaign

I'm starting a campaign. A campaign to get the awesome back! In the past year and a half I have done some pretty great stuff! I joined the Board of Directors at Trustus Theatre, a place that I have dedicated many years of my life. I stage managed several shows, threw successful fundraisers, stared in a critically acclaimed show. I got a job working for the school district I grew up in, one that I have always been proud of and thankful was where I spent the majority of my childhood. Not only am I working for the district I love I am working in the Visual and Performing Arts Department. Talk about finding a good fit. My best friends have gotten engaged, married, pregnant and have had babies.

I have watched the Columbia arts community rise up two years in a row against a Governor that feels the need to cut funding for so many of the things that make this state such a treasure. I occupied the state house grounds with a belief and a conviction that things in this country can and will be better. I have met amazing people and shared amazing dreams. I have created and exhibited works of art. I have seen shows that have shaken me to my core. I have travelled and shared experiences with so many wonderful people. But so much of that awesomeness has taken a back seat to one person, one relationship, one less than awesome situation.

I met a man, and knew felt the red flags go up from the start. This man is not good news. But this man is charming and funny and extremely into me. So I have spent the past year and a half of my life in constant turmoil with this man. He loves me and holds me close, he laughs with me and is tender and sweet. Then he throws me away and ignores me. He searches through crowds of other people to find anyone but me to talk to and be with. Many times have I cried and yelled and cursed and begged. I have left and hated and vowed. Then he would come back, and break down my resolve with his words and his touch. He would pull me back in and stroke my anger back down to compliance. He would give me days of joy and togetherness and companionship for which we all search.

Then he would drop a bomb. I don't think we should be exclusive. I am just not that type of person, and I would try. As much as it hurt I would allow him to go out with other women. I would put on a facade that I was strong and cool and didn't care. All the while panicked and defeated and just praying that he didn't meet someone he liked more than me. I saw it as a bizarre challenge, that the more I could get him with me the less he would be out there looking for others. The more a made myself what he wanted in me the less he would want someone else. So I did that, I played that game.

Then one day he met someone he liked better than me...for the moment. An older woman with money and a glamorous job. For her he had to stand up straight and watch what he was saying, he couldn't let her in to see the mess that is his real life. With me I saw all the dirty darkness and knew exactly who he was when his guard was down and his humility high. And I loved him still. She made him a proposition. Her job was sending her to Italy, Africa, Dubai and she didn't want to go alone, so she offered to pay his way. He told me this in a casual conversation one afternoon. I was devastated. I was reeling and couldn't believe this was happening. Yet I loved him still, I told him to take the trip of a life time but that we were over. And I hoped we were. But then he called.

He kept calling and pulling and twisting and bending me. And I gave in, I stayed with him until the day he left on his trip. I spent the next three weeks in complete misery. I became seriously ill and depressed. I can't remember much else of the time except for that. But he wrote to me. He sent me an email telling me he was thinking of me. And I read it and loved it and somehow that made me feel like I was winning. But I decided NO, I am being crazy what is wrong with me I am better than this. And I got well and I got up and got over him. Well at least I thought I did.

Then he came home. The day he came home he called me. And he called me. And he texted me. And he emailed me. And for the first time he started giving me the attention I had always wanted from him. Slowly he began to get back into me. He told me he loved me and that it took getting that far away from em to realize it. So I was sold. And everything went so fast after that, we moved in and we were happy and we spent Christmas with his mom and I thought this was good. Until it wasn't. The romantic notions from his trip overseas started to crumble and so did his desire to be with me. So he left me, alone, at his house. He would go out all night or spend the night on the floor of his art studio. He wouldn't tell me where he was or where he was going. He would ignore me when he was in the same room as me and lie next to me in the bed like a stranger.

So I moved out but we stayed together, I know right it is exhausting. We would spend 2-3 days/nights together and they would be great, then he would spend the next 4-5 days/nights doing his best to avoid me. This went on for most of the summer, until now. Until finally for some reason I woke up. I feel like I have been asleep through all these AMAZING things that have happened in my life because I was only half a person. He had half of me, my heart and he wasn't letting it go. I was a mind and a body walking around in search of my heart. But I am taking it back.

I told him goodbye and wrote him several emails that just spewed all the hatred that had built up in me. I am so mad at him for doing this, and I am so mad at me for allowing it to happen over and over and over again. On my run this morning I noticed his car parked outside of that woman's house and I it crushed me. I ran home and cried my eyes out, on my hardwood floor. So many questions. Why did he come back to me, when she took him on that trip why had he come back wanting ME. Especially since he's just ended up right back in her bed. But as I told a friend it had to happen. I had to see that. I had to empty it all out. Every last bit of love and emotion from hatred to compassion and kindness and jealousy, has to all come out for me to move on. And I feel like it is, and I will.

SO my campaign to bring back the awesome. I am going to get up and go try on bridesmaids dress for my best friend's wedding. A woman I am so lucky to have in my life and who is going to marry the man that treasures her above all! (More than dirt and football) And I will go to Trustus and watch the last night of the last show of Jim and Kay's last season. I will be there on Monday as we say good-bye to them and the end of an era. I will be with family. I will be with friends and I will find my awesome even if it begins with some red eyes and a tear-streaked face.

Kitties for SALE!!

Not MY kitties. I love my kitties, my bf may have less than love for my kitties but he deals, sometimes better than others!

Anywho I digress.

Last month we had a late night show at Trustus in the Black Box space and I asked my friend Katherine to do some art work for the lobby area. The show was called Kitty Kitty Kitty, a dime store version of the plot would be that a cat fell in love with himself and cloned himself then that clone cloned himself and so on and so forth until there was nothing but cat hysteria! Well Katherine did a great job of coordinating the art outside to the art inside, with her kitty art adaptations!

Having sold 5 of the water color paintings already and with one on hold I am posting the rest to see if any of you would like to buy one!! Here they are in all their $40 (negotiable) glory :

 These last two are a little more special and are of the $50 varietal!

If you are interested just leave a comment or send an email to thegallerytrustus@gmail.com

Get your kitty face on!

I have issues...

OBVIOUSLY, I mean for one thing I sporadically write on this blog, and I say write lightly as my bf just calls it random rantings. Luckily I am pretty cute so he deals with it.

One of my biggest issues, besides the fact that I love control top pantyhose, is that I don't understand other people sometimes. And by sometimes I mean a lot of the time. I am unforgiving and judgmental, not all or even most of the time but there is quite a bit of the time in my life where I am passing judgement on others. I know this is not suppose to be something you do but umm hello I am human, and American and well we American humans sure like to pass judgement, not sure about those American non-humans of which I am sure there are plenty.

The other day I was standing in our office kitchen after The boss man had kindly gone to Sam's and bought a bunch of food and snacks for us to have around the office. Something that is not required but is such a nice touch from upper-management, there are so many perks about working for a smaller non-profit besides you know the salary and general good nature of the service you provide to others. Anywho I made the comment to my co-worker that I don't understand why they keep buying the container of little muffins. It is a big box of banana nut and blueberry muffins that come in packs of two. The grease covers the plastic and I feel like you can just see the lard oozing out of them...yummers, not. At least that is what I think. Gross who would eat that crap. I look at the back of the package and the two muffins that fit in my hand take up almost an ENTIRE days allotted amount of fat grams. On average we should allow ourselves 60gs of fat per day. The two little muffins that could barely be called a snack have almost 55gs of fat in them. So I make a judgement call, who would want to eat something that wouldn't fill you up and takes up all the fat you can have in one day. And of course the answer is rhetorical because we all know what I meant by it, people who don't care about health and who are most likely over-weight anyway. My co-worker rebuts with well not everyone is like you Sumner, and it took me by surprise. Not surprise really but it set me back a bit. She was right, and that is something I have to remember more often. I actually pride myself as being different than others some may say weird others quirky, but I do march to the tune of my own drummer, most of the time. Always have. I remember at Sunday dinner I used to climb the bars on our windows (in a frock dress and paten leather shoes of course) and pretend I was a monkey at the zoo. Everyone would laugh or sign and make me get down, lack of new material. But that being said, I think of myself as open-minded I encourage different thoughts and life-styles, but that one statement made me question whether I really do cherish those differences out there. When it comes to people whose ideals I do not agree with, those who would speak out against gay marriage or the rights of minorities for example, I would just say they exist so that I can appose them. If they they didn't have differing beliefs then I wouldn't stand out...and that can be a good thing but it in a way is totally self-righteous. I appreciate them for believing things I think are awful to believe because it makes me feel more enlightened and cultured to not believe that way. So to get knocked off my little happy horse of enlightenment I realize that I am so quick to judge all the time. Especially when it comes to diets and exercise of others. I won't judge you for being gay or Muslim or for being on government assistance programs, but if you are lazy and obese I judge you. Is it because I believe that you were born gay and Muslim and that life doesn't deal a fair hand and the government is here to help those who need it, but it is your choice to eat poorly and not exercise.

Maybe because it scares me, because that could be me. I am in no way skinny, never have been, and I could most definitely exercise more often, but lazy I am not. Obese, far from it.  I have made a point in my life to watch my weight and find that my volatile mind is more at ease when exercise is in my life, yet I over indulge on sweets and carb-loaded meat heavy meals quite often. It is a choice but it is my choice. Who am I to look at you and judge your life decisions. But part of me things the judgement is justified. Obesity and laziness is becoming the norm in our country and has been for some time now. Is it OK for people to voice their dissenting opinions about race and religion, politics and values, but not about basic life-style choices. I don't know. I know that passing poor judgement on others does not make me happier, it doesn't make me a better person, but I know it is something that is hard for me to not do. When does the judgment change from opinion to obligation? Should i write the calorie content of a donut and put it on the box of twelve that my co-worker brought in to share with everyone? No I shouldn't because everyone isn't like me, and bless them for it. What a zany world it would be if there were tons more Sumners running around talking with their hands and saying shit that girls say too often.

This definitely qualifies as a rant considering it really has no point except to point out some indecision I have in my head. I lost 30lbs this year because I believe that eating well will enrich my life. I changed my desk into a standing desk because I believe that inactivity will kill you; I believe it will dull your mind and attack your soul and eventually weaken your body, the three gifts we are truly given in this life! Part of me wonders why you haven't done the same thing. Why do you down the donut for breakfast, greasy burger for lunch, sit all day at your desk only to switch to your car then couch then bed? These are things I will wonder about you. Part of me wants to talk to you about it and teach you the ways to change, but the other part of me knows that you are not like me and you will do what you will because that is your right. I will appreciate you for your difference to me but will always wonder why!

We all have things on which we pass judgement more frequently than others, that is one thing that connects us to each other, our differences. So in judging we are in some way connecting to each other. It doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it good it just makes it human. Human is not a shield or an excuse, it is a thing we can strive to be better at being, together!

Sh*t in my boyfriend's studio...

So here is the thing, after a long and tumultuous 7 months of an on-again-off-again dating scheme the guy in my life FINALLY realized how incredibly awesome, and humble, I am and that he would be a total idiot to let me slip away. Me being the hard-headed romantic held on for the ride and glad I did so, well for now anyway (I kid I kid). We are argumentative but interesting, frustrating but passionate, and we both fancy the arts. He works at Tapp's Art Center, and moonlights as a gardener (ummm hot) and has a studio at Tapp's AC, which is a total plus because it gets all the weird stuff (I almost said crap but somehow as soon as he picks it up it is elevated from crap to stuff) he collects out of his house and into a studio. He has more freedom for creativity and I have more freedom to move everything in his house around into a more suitable atmosphere. He smiles and nods and moves heavy stuff and dreads the day that my two cats (the most precious Prince Ranger and Miss Liza) descend upon his previous cat-free territory! Well relationships are about sacrifice right, or was that compromise? Whatevs. Don't be a dick, THAT is how you do it in a relationship. BE generous, DON'T BE a dick. Back to the point, we have been working at his studio, I say we loosely, turning old coin parking meters into works of art to be auctioned off this evening at Change for Change event at 701. Mine is profound, but not very artsy, his is super artsy and would look great adorning an eclectic yard (he doesn't know it but he is totally going to have to recreate for his yard, again I say his loosely) OMG I digress, so last night while he was doing the dirty spray-painting part, I was in heels duh, I walked around his studio and took some pics of the umm stuff that has been assembled and I imagine with which he holds meaningful conversations about life, his aspirations and feelings, when no one is looking. Sidenote who remembers that kids TV show that took place in a mall after dark when all the mannequins came to life? I mean materialism propaganda at such a young age amirightguys? Right so let's get to the main event:

I may or may not have placed the sign at her HEART of course!

I am really interested in the tiny Buddha!

Do not chew on this.

Cause you just never know?

Yep just a couple lady Liberties.

Nesting.

Oh how did that close up of me get in here*

I played with both of these things, but they are more fun together!

Multiply this body part by like 20 and you are close to the bodiless limbs lying around (<-- when consonance and alliteration play nicely)

He said we could give one to the foster kid I sponsored for Christmas, right if we want to give him tetanus (not sure if you can actually get tetanus but if not why do we have to get that awful shot?)

THAT is what I got in like the 5 minutes before I got distracted by the pop music and the fact that he has an entire mirror wall, there may have been some interpretive dancing involved. There are no pictures of that, sad face for you.

* I put one of these (*) above because I have to give a mad shout-out to Molly Harrell who took this photo along with several others as part of a political art show that she and my bf put on at the fab studio/fashion frame store Frame of Mind (so clever)! BG, my bf, traded some art of his for this boarded pic of me making that American Flag fancy, I was flattered bc he didn't tell me :) Visual artists do that all the time, they trade their  awesome stuff for others awesome stuff...I am an actor I could trade you engaging conversation for some of your art...any takers, no? Worth a shot! OK back to the grind. P.S. I turned my desk into a standing desk, it is awesome! I will have to write about it...sometime! 

Happy Holidays! (<--- that is me including all race and religions, that is not me being a DICK. If you think I am being a dick for saying that then that is YOU being a DICK justsaying) 



American Antibodies.

I am amazed by those who have taken no interest in spite of themselves. This is not about party divides but I have long believed that we would rip ourselves apart with party politics. It spreads hate and negativity amongst the very people with whom we should love and care for the most, each other. I love my country but right now I am not proud of it, and I would like to reclaim from the 1% who have stolen it from us, and I would like to extinguish the complacency of the middle class that sits by and allows it to happen. Stand up for yourselves and your fellow people. Take back our country and take back our rights and so on Saturday we will start by exercising our First Amendment right! May we inspire and may we withstand the insults of those willing to deter of from our goals!

Having a conversation with one of my best friend’s this morning I stated how shocked I really am by the fact that not a single one of them seemed to have any interest in the movement. She remarked that she didn’t really know what was going on, and right there is the difference. I hear a hint of something happening and I want to know, have to know what it is and what is going on. We have so many problems in this country and I have just been hoping beyond hope that something like this would happen, and it is my fault for being so quiet before now. Quiet is not a word usually associated with me, but it is true when it comes to this point. I live in South Carolina and appose almost all of the states regulations and laws. Now of course I don’t know all of them, I mean I probably know more about them than our governor but that is another story. I have always felt strongly about politics and at times have acted very strongly too, but in the past few years I have let myself be quieted. I don’t want to ruffle too many feathers. I think I really just don’t want to dislike people and if we start talking politics I am probably not going to agree with you. This will lead to me getting heated, can’t help it you should meet my father, and then I will just shut down. I become a petulant child when it comes to politics. I like to listen to other’s opinions on a number of issues but there are many things that are written in stone for me. Now my friends have listened to my rants for years and a couple of them used to be right up there ranting with me…but most of those friends have moved away from me.

I love my friends but they are completely settled. They are married with a house and a dog and DVR. They have been educated and have health insurance, where is their need to stand up and protest, they have what they want. They may agree with the movement or disagree but I wouldn’t know…really the only response to my participating in the Occupy movement was that the human microphone thing seems cool. That really just hit me in the gut. This country can be great, and I truly believe we can get it there again but it has to be us. I think we can agree that the political atmosphere in Washington has become so convoluted that there is really no real progress being made in either direction. Because those politicians are no longer there representing the people of their cities and states, they are representing the new constituency, corporations. These corporations are buying everyone and the price is the American people…and that includes my friends.

Now I use them as an example of what I call the middle class complacency; because I know them, but they are not alone. We are all having a tough time in this economy but it isn’t it our duty as free citizens to ask ourselves what really happened to get us here? And to ask who is being hurt by this? Who is gaining from that hurt and loss? I believe it is human law, intrinsic and pure, that we take care of other people. All other people. If we go against that law for long enough we will be punished, and we have been ignoring that law for a long time. We are hunters and gatherers but we hunt and gather for the good of those around us. Somehow we have gotten so far away from that, we have become what is mine is mine and you can’t have it. Of course that too is natural, the territorial nature is basic…but when did it become that we will watch those around us, in our own country, starve and freeze and go without so much and still not be willing to give up a little bit of what we have gained.

I should give more, I could do more. This is what keeps me up at night. Why am I not out there fighting for those who can’t? I actually think everyone can they just don’t know the how. I believe education is the key to all success; we have to learn to gain. If you don’t know how you are being swindled by the current system then you would have no reason to fight against it…just like having an illness if you don’t know what is wrong you will never figure out how to get well. And there is the rub, America is sick and we can all help make her better again. It is going to be a long and hard battle, there will be moments where we might not think we are going to make it but we can and we will keep fighting.

We are such a young country and our internal antibodies don’t seem to have been as important to us as our external ones. We have been fighting everyone else’s wars while ignoring our own. We see symptoms of illness in the world and we send our tanks and our drones to try and make it better, while being completely blindsided by the fact that our country is being worn down, and weakened from the inside out. We have been and continue to be crippled by those who stand at the top.

We have a virus and it is time for us to fight it, we are the antibodies that can fix this country. Let’s fight the illness and take back our America.



Be My, Be My Little Baby!

I cannot even express how many times I have said to myself, you need to sit down at that computer and write. Write your little heart out. I had no idea I had neglected my blog this long...seriously January 7 was my last post AND that was just a info dump from my deleted myspace page (remind me to tell you about an argument I have been having with one of my dear friends about myspace, would love your input).

8 months, 8 months and a handful of days since I put all of my life's craziness into words...I am astounded. Well I am a fbook, twitter, and now G+ -aholic so it isn't like the world has been void of my postings of opinions and such...but this is just different! I know you know what I am talking about. I can sit here and tell you about my love and my loss my laughter and smiles. The things that have encouraged my and beaten me down. I want to be extremely open. I think there is a person in my life who might not quite appreciate the openness of all that I am going/wanting to say but I can't let that stop me. I need advice and opinions.

Some people might say why don't you just turn to your friends...and I do, I talk to them and tell them what is going on in my life, to a certain degree. I have a problem with casual intimacy...in the friendship realm. It is one of those situations where everyone I am really close to in my life is a couple. I kid you not I am basically the only single person I know, talk to and hang out with...and my "singleness" is deserving of quotations because it is a murky territory. I am madly in love but I'll come back to that in a bit. as for needing to get all out there, I am a let it all hang out (in hopefully a decently written conversational manner) type of gal. there are times where I think, well I probably could have gone without saying that, but I in general don't like limitations. Limitations offend my sensibilities.

I have been running the marathon of life since we last spoke. I was promoted to a full-time position in my company, and since then been promoted and given a raise. I have been placed on the Board of Directors at Trustus Theatre, as well as taken on the task as "curator" for The Gallery at Trustus. (we have always had artists show their work but I am trying to make it a legit place to showcase talented artists and their designs/creations.) The arts are a community and we need to interact, support and offer out a hand if needed! I bought a car, moved into and decorated my own apartment and adopted 2 cats...wow we really HAVEN'T talked. I went to Mexico, read a bunch of good books, stage managed 2 shows, am rehearsing for another one and Assistant Directing a 3rd all before the end of the year! I have to say one of the most important things I have done in the past few months would be that I lost 25lbs! It fluctuates about 5LBS here and there but daaaaaaaamn that is the weight of my best friend's youngest daughter. I have basically lost a two year-old child. Now luckily I am one of those body types where I just kind of shrink so it isn't really that noticeable when I go up and down a little, but man this is the most I have ever lost...and I am doing it the right way, the healthy way!

I joined weight watchers and use that as a tool along with working out on a regular basis. I am running more than I ever have before in my life and it feels like such an accomplishment. If you are stuck WW is a great way to get your mind in the right place to loose the pounds!

I have never been so in tune and interested in healthy life options...I see nutrition classes in my future. Along with classes in non-profit management! I am loving, loving, loving the momentum I have going in my work life and just want to keep it going!

Well speaking of work I should probably get back to it! I promise not to leave you for so long again. I promise new posts and pictures and surprises, and heartfelt stories and admissions!

Have a wonderful Wednesday! May it sparkle for you!