About love...

You know just the act of talking about things you love makes you happier. I am not basing this on any scientific fact, just on personal analysis and observation. Being the extreme over analyzer that I am, it might as well be fact.

So I am going to keep talking about my favorites, and things I love.

I recently got into crystal healing. Well, in the past year. It is so hippie, earth mother, goddess, witch baby YA YA and it is the best.

I had big loss in my life in 2013 then again in 2014, and I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. The combination of all of those things was wreaking havoc on my soul. Something I used to be so proud of, what I like to call my "extreme feeling". I have been extreme feeling my way through life, but all the loss, and emotional manipulation forced me to minimize. I took those feelings and constantly told them they were invalid and not valuable and that they were just making things worse, so I put them in a box and shoved that box into the open wound that was my heart and stitched it up. Luckily I am a terrible seamstress, and with time, recognition, and reflection I realized I missed my extreme feelings. I missed the girl who could lie on a bed listening to music just FEELING, for hours. The end of the toxic relationship, and the addition of a helpful therapist, I began to open back up again. I started to welcome love and friendship and experiences. I listen to music again, I watch movies, and hangout with my friends. All things I did, but all of it was in black and white for years. Now I am back and I am in technicolor, baby!

In January I admitted something to my therapist, I have been drilling into my head for years that I am happy alone and will be content being single forever, but I am not happy and that is not what I want. It never really made much sense because I believe family and relationships are the "only true currency in this bankrupt world" (butchery of my favorite Almost Famous quote) it was incongruous that I thought I could lock all those desires away. I had a weird childhood. A parental role over my mom, a distant almost burdensome relationship with my dad (luckily we have fixed all that) so I have a very mixed idea of what love is. I never wanted to be weak like my mom, so I try to be strong. I never wanted to be needy like her. One parent was weak but loving, the other strong but distant...so here I am 34 and trying to blend those two, I want to be strong and loving. I am sure it can be done...but it is gonna be hard work. You know what else is hard work, having to convince yourself that you don't actually need that thing that you've needed your whole life. I am tired of fighting the internal struggle. I can be a strong woman and love someone, want someone, need someone. Those things are not mutually exclusive, and it has seriously taken me years to figure this out. So here I am, a big open ball of extreme feeling that just wants to be loved.

Well I went off on a bit of a tangent there, didn't I?!

Well in my quest back into the world of loving and feeling I stumbled onto crystals. I inherited several from my witch baby Aunt Cathy, so I thought I would check out their meanings, and man have I jumped on that bandwagon. I started with some simple stones and have have moved into a pretty vast collection.

This is a chakra balancing set. I am obsessed with the blue one, it is a Sodalite and represents the throat chakra...which is totally fitting because I am a Gemini and I am controlled by throat, neck, air. It helps with communication problems and heals the thyroid. 

I know all of this sounds a little like hocus pocus but honestly it helps me think about the mind and body and how it is connected to everything around us. My favorite right now, of course, is my rose quartz necklace. 

This is the love stone, naturally. I wear it with my beautiful Tiffany & Co key

The two together represent the unlocking of my heart...but you probably could have guessed that, because you're really great. I am going to the beach with a bunch of my girlfriends this weekend and I will bring my crystals. I will hand them out and we will stand in the shallow surf under the full moon and talk about what we love, what we are grateful for, and what we hope for the coming year. It is one of my favorite times of the year. It is so funny which friends will totally humor me and which ones think I'm a hippie nut. But they all love me and that's a start. 

xoxox

MY favorites!

When we were kids people always asked us what our favorite things are, or simply as kids we talked constantly about our favs. I made a new friendship recently and one of the things we were doing to get to know each other is talk about our favorite things. It is interesting how fluid favorite things can be, colors, songs, movies...all that can change. However, so many things are constant, the feeling I have when I stand in front of the ocean for the first time each new summer. The vastness of it all, the insignificance of the minutia in our lives. The terror of the unknown, and the trust we have with life and the universe to deliver us where we need to be. Now you may be thinking that is a lot to get from just looking at a body of water, but this is something that progresses every year of my life! I was in Mexico and stood in front of the caribbean sea, and it is the most beautiful ocean arguably in the world, but that is not my favorite. Next week I will be in Litchfield staring at the brown cold Atlantic ocean, and that is my favorite. It is the sea I grew up with, the strong pull and influence in my life. When I go to the west coast the pull of the ocean just feels wrong, backwards. I am an east coast girl, for life!

I have 3 new favorties and wanted to share them here:

1. TV Show: ROADIES!!!
If you don't have showtime, go on Amazon Prime and buy the season pass to this show. I was an Almost Famous ADDICT! I watched that movie constantly and lived and breathed the soundtrack. This show is that kind of Cameron Crowe writing, great music, the tour bus, but in the best way possible, because it is the story of the stage crew. The people that make every show possible. As a technical theatre person, who spent the past 22 years of her life being the crew, managing the crew, and directing the crew, this show speaks to my soul. One summer I was hired a couple of times to help tear down concert stages in Charlotte, it was the most fun. One of the crew members for Kid Rock saw me carrying some heavy rigging and said that he wasn't used to seeing girls do the work, usually they wee just hanging around trying to meet the band...and without stopping I looked at him and said "I'm not that kind of girl".

2: Jewelry: Mango Women's Rigid Bracelet Set 
Just ordered these from Amazon. I have an Amazon problem. I also have a shopping problem. I actually said that I am not allowed to buy any clothes in July. So good so far...bc apparently I just buy jewelry instead. I love a bangle though and this set is stretchy, but doesn't pinch. I am going to wear them tonight to see American Idiot at Trustus Theatre for the 2nd time bc this is a 2 time show...for sure. Anyway, check out these bracelets in the link above! I am not being paid for this, just sharing!

3: Soma Sustainable Carafe because WATER!!
I also have a water problem, well it probably isn't a problem bc you are suppose to drink a lot of water. I am obsessed with water. I have a large brita that I keep out because normally I just drink room temp water, but it is the summer...in South Carolina and I live in a tiny old house that heats up like a dry sauna. In the afternoons it is usual for my house to be 80 degrees which is better than outside but when you work from home, it is distracting! So when I saw the Soma I got excited bc it would fit in my fridge and not take up a lot of room, which is another issue. I have a really weird fridge, older model that was not designed well, spatially. Anywho, this filter fits, and keeps my water super cold and refreshing. I have used it for 2 days and am in LOVE! The water tastes better than the brita too. Drink two of these a day and you are well passed what you need on a daily basis!

Ok that's all for now, although I also rewatched the movie SNATCH recently and you should too, Guy Ritchie doing what Guy Ritchie does best...also Brad Pitt "Do you like DEGS?"

Also the song "Needed Me" by Rhianna..."Didn't they tell you I was a savage" yesssss!

xoxoxo

I'm Looking for a Mind at Work...Work

"I'm Looking for a Mind at Work...Work" is one of my favorite lyrics sung by the character Angelic Schuyler in the OUTSTANDING musical Hamilton. If you have not started listening to this show on repeat you best get started bc you will be better off for it. Also, dear everyone who works out at MUV Fitness on Forest Drive...my bad, I promise I am not having an episode I am just listening to Hamilton while I am on the treadmill/elliptical/lifting weights and I probably look crazy pants. I AM OK WITH THAT BECAUSE HAMILTON!

Speaking of being at the gym. I 100% forgot how much I love going to the gym. Not only are there tons of HOT guys to look at, thank you gentlemen, but ENDORPHINS! Whoa, I totally forgot about endorphins. I downloaded this app called SKYFIT that is basically like doing a group training class but on your own. I do the elliptical tracks because the elliptical can be pretty boring. These tracks have great music and enthusiastic class leaders. I was coming off of one of the more difficult tracks where you turn the incline and the resistance all the way up, and all of a sudden I felt AMAZING. Everything in life seemed perfect and full of meaning. I felt connected to the people around me...then as my heart rate came down I chilled out a little and realized that I went full endorphin beast mode and it was great. I felt better the rest of the day and I could not wait to get back to the gym and try it again. This is a big WIN for me.

I also joined weight watchers in November, which sounds like something your mom or grandma or great aunt is doing. It kind of is like that because our class is filled with a bunch of older women with a *wicked sweet tooth* they are wonderful and supportive and a little bit "get off my lawn"-y! The program really works if you follow it....and I have lost 12lbs, which is great but I am in a rut now. Only because I am not following the program....because it is so hard. I am thankful because it got me back in the gym...but I am not thankful because it doesn't want me to go have chicken wings with my dad, which I always want to do. Why does it have to be a challenge? WHYYYYYY? Ugh come on, with all the crap we have to deal with on the regular now if I have any chance of getting in ideal shape I have to think about and focus on every piece of food I put in my mouth. WHO WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT? I know it is all about making better habits, and I am working on it, but will power will only get you so far.

ALSO, I work for a company in which the main focus is to feed people. It is not lost on me that I struggle to eat less while working to feed people more. I might as well be Catholic with all this guilt I carry.

Life is weird, yo! One thing I can say is that Sumner on this day is in a much better, happier, healthier place than Sumner on this day last year, and that is something at which I cannot be mad.

Referencing back to that wonderful Hamilton quote, I have to talk about something that I just recently realized I don't ever talk about...my singledom, it is something I joke about and brag about, but don't actually discuss. I am a single woman in her 30s in a southern state....so basically an anomaly. In a society that places EVERYTHING on marriage and family I am an outlier. There are all sorts of Freudian psychological reasons that could explain my lack of relationship. My childhood was a paradox of having to constantly care for the females in my life while being told not to ever be a woman who needs to be taken care of...it makes some conflicting issues. My dad is proud of me for being able to "be alone" and take care of myself. So part of me thinks I would let him down if I decided to actually marry someone. Will that make me a woman that no longer is able to "be alone". The struggle is real, y'all. I pride myself of "being fine" alone, happy alone, enjoying my piece and quite. I am feminist hear me roar, alone. But let's be honest....I grew up in this society just like everyone else. I am human just like everyone else. I crave a partnership and a witness. Someone to confide in and commune with, to whom I share my successes and fears. I recently read Mindy Kaling's book "Why Not Me" and several times I connected whole heartedly to this book. And yeah, WHY NOT ME? I have done everything "stop looking and it will happen" tried that, "take a class and meet someone new" tried it, "do volunteer work" did it do it run it. "Have you tried dating online?" wait what like on the internet? OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED THAT... and it is scary. So I am trying the one thing that I haven't tried, talking about it. I do want to be in a committed relationship. I want to know what it is like to be in a truly committed partnership. Honestly the longest relationship I have ever had was 9 months and with someone that was 8 years younger than me and clearly not going to be life-long. People, especially guys, are attracted to the fact that I am strong and independent and don't "need" anyone. That's cool, I am glad y'all like that but I am ready for someone. I will not settle, it has taken all my life but I finally know what I am worth and I will "wait for it", wait for the right one. I am looking for a kind, fine "Mind at Work" and I want to be "HELPLESS" although I'm worried I will be one who is never "Satisfied"!

Bookshelf Terrarium

Yesterday was my last day at Richland County School District One. I worked in the department of Visual and Performing Arts, which is a district office that provides budgetary and curriculum support for all 150+ arts teachers in Richland One. Richland One is extremely lucky to have a Board that is pro-arts education, and even luckier to have a Coordinator of all the visual and performing arts, that was my boss Nancy Pope. This position is in place to make sure the arts are being supported throughout all areas, from the schools through the superintendent. It's like having a district arts advocate on payroll. So many districts don't have arts coordinators, or their arts coordinator is also a teacher, or it is volunteer.

So many people take arts education for granted. Especially those who had arts education in school, because you had access to it, you might assume everyone has access, but far from it! also the equality of programs varies dramatically. The district tries it's best, and the teachers try their best, but a lot of time it comes down to money. Some schools just don't get the same money as other schools. So many arts teachers are split by school, and if you think about a theatre teacher- who is required to put on at least one play a year and conduct all Gifted and Talented auditions- that teacher has to do all that times 2. No principal will say sure you don't have to do all that required at my school because you are split, nope they want their teachers to fill all the requirements with half the time. I'm not putting all the blame on the principals, but it does come down to them as to allocations of full-time teachers. If your school has a part time art/music/theatre/dance teacher you should tell the teacher you want a full-time teacher. IT is better for the advancement of the school and the students all around.

I am really sad to leave my positions because I love love love working in the arts, the business side of the arts is my JAM, buuuut that job was unbelievable limiting. That was my first time as a professional in a government agency and it was eye-opening to say the least. There are a lot of people doing a lot of great work, but there are also quite a few people that make you wonder what they are even there for, and after 3 years I never figured it out :). I spent the majority of my working career in the non-profit sector, and there is something about the nature and spirit of the non-profit that really works in my head, and my heart. So before I delve into that, here is a picture of the incredibly awesome terrarium my boss made for me as a going away present (she's so crafty)

filtered on my ig: sumstagrams

SO I am having lunch today with one of my new coworkers, which is exciting because we are already friends, and now we get to work together. We will both be working from home, respectively, but it will be good to have a contact here in town as the rest of the organization is located in Houston Texas. I get to fly out to Texas this Monday for 5 days of intensive training. I cannot express to you the pressure of packing for a week of business meetings, especially when I just sent the last 3 years dressing with liberty because I was one of those "weird arts people". I think I need to be official. Also I should probably pack like a somewhat normal person as I am being picked up from the airport and would be extremely embarrassed to roll in with 3 bags for 5 days. I will limit myself to 2 bags both that can be carried on the plane. Where I will put all my shoes I have no idea, but we will find out! 

I'll post more about my new job soon. What an exciting time. 

Until then add me on snapchat: sumsnaps and twitter @sumsweetweet 

Never Forget:

Stay Golden, Lydia!

You know sometimes you want to celebrate one of your friends for just being so special and when you hangout with that person you are just so thankful for that friendship?

Let's chat about my friend Lydia! I mentioned Lydia in my last post as bieng someone who has always motivated me to be active and healthy! I'll give you an example of Lydia's dedication to an active lifestyle...

Two and a half years ago Lydia gave birth to a beautiful baby named Lucy. She had an at home birth complete with a water tub and a doula. Here is a pic of Lydia and Lucy

They're adorable, right? Well just a month after her mother-nature-goddess-natural birth Lydia decided she was ready to start running again. So she signed up for the St. Patrick's 5k. Now I bet there are plenty of women who do that sort of thing, birth babies and run 3 miles the next day, but Lydia just stands out in my mind for her dedication and enthusiasm! I ran that race too, and I struggled having NOT just given birth to a 9lbs girl.

Lydia is also my friend that has run a half marathon, and grows her own vegetables. She goes to the gym anywhere from 4-7 days a week. So in short Lydia works full-time at a job, works as a wife and a mother, and still doesn't make excuses to eat right and exercise regularly.

She is an inspiration to me.

One of the main things that is so lovely about Lydia is that she doesn't ever judge you, or make you feel less than for not working out as much as she does. Lydia met me at my house this morning and we jogged about 2 miles. She never moaned when I needed to walk a block and she didn't groan when I said 2 miles was all I could do. The whole time she said you got this girl, you'll get there!

She is happy to help out a friend, she always has a kind word to say, and she will always help you set a good pace, in running and in life.

So thanks for being such a special friend in my life Lydia! Let's jog again soon!

Letting it go, and then putting it back together!

I have been an active person all my life. I started dance classes when I was 3, I was the only girl in the baseball little league, I switched to softball in 6^th grade and kept that up through high school. I lettered in swimming in high school and managed the cross country team. At boarding school we played all the sports, I was goalie in soccer, quarter back in football, MVP at basketball, and made the doubles tennis team.  

In college I lived in the gym and took college-level dance classes, I lifted weights, watched what I ate and kick-boxed my way to the strongest I’ve ever been. 

(In college, look at that energy)

Post college I kept working out, not as diligently because the routine changes, the daily social pressure changes, migrating from young body-conscious peers to work-oriented colleagues. It matters less what you look like and more what you bring to the table. The stresses of full-time employment is an easy gateway into an expanding waistline.  

When I moved to China I spent a lot of time in a Chinese gym, if you think you know self-consciousness in a gym setting you have no idea until you are naturally the biggest and weirdest looking person in the room and EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU…the whole time. Eventually the gym became a place that I was able to build up my language skills. Talking to the trainers and other gym goers improved my Mandarin. That eventually waned though, the isolation of culture shock began to set in and I ended up spending a lot of time eating oily foods and binging out on the most delicious noodle meals in this world.

(Climbing a Chinese Mountain with Linz and Nick, and being celebs for our whiteness)

When I came home from China I weigh the most I have ever weighed at that point in my life, I was 28 though so I didn’t really know what real weight gain was (hint now I’m in my 30s.) So I hit the gym, my friends and I joined weight watchers and I started running. This was the first time in my life that I could describe myself as a runner. I woke up almost every day and hit the pavement. Thanks to a very supportive friend (Lydia) I got stronger and ran further than I ever thought was possible. I got down to my thinnest, healthiest and strongest point in late 2011.

(R to L: Me, EG, Lydia, Elizabeth, Greg after I PR'd a 5K)

Fast forward to January 2013, my best friend gets married (YAY). We had been working out and doing a plant-based nutrition program that made me feel amazing but was completely limiting, and I didn’t get the results I wanted. It was started to get harder and harder to get results. I would work out and eat right but the weight stayed right where it was, like a millennial not ready to move out of the house, the fat clung to my thighs. My frustration became a concern so I talked to my doctor, her response was less than encouraging. “Some people’s body just won’t let go.” I am a healthy person, blood pressure is good, blood sugar is great, cholesterol is an A+, and my heart is right on track. So as a somewhat stubborn person I said “BUCKET” (well you know what I actually said), and I just stopped caring. I stopped working out, I stopped caring about watching what I eat and I just let it all go. I have to mention that this period of time in my life was also full of grief and loss which just brings up all the other unresolved issues of grief and loss in my life. So it is safe to say that from February 2013 until now I have been totally slack with diet and exercise. I have ballooned to my largest self ever, I also blame my 30s, but I am ready to make some major changes.

In the past month I have let go of a relationship that was really weighing down on my soul, it is actually a little easier to breath without the stress of this “friendship” in my life. I have also accepted a new job with an organization that I love, it is a move back to my non-profit roots with an emphasis on helping the community in a way that I have been hoping to do. I also am taking a graduate certificate course at Winthrop University, as you can see things are changing. I am making changes and I am ready to transition back to the things in my life that make me truly happy. I am going to focus on my fitness and my foods, I am ready start a new brilliant chapter in my life, and I am starting it now. So thanks for reading and hope you’ll follow me along the next part of my crazy life.

(Me now, not terrible but notice the draping material, hides the chubs)

Lastly, I recently realized that I have one big problem in my life. I am single (that isn’t the problem) and I haven’t really had what one might call a “stable, healthy relationship”, and I want that…like a lot. But I was standing in my house looking at all my stuff, I love my stuff, when I realized that I have NO ROOM IN MY LIFE for someone else. I have a lot of holes in my emotional life (re: the aforementioned grief and loss) and instead of working to fill those holes I have covered them with really pretty rugs and vibrant art. I covered them with jobs and boards and events and meetings and plans…the list goes on and on. Now, I attack most problems with logical strategies, but we are talking about emotions, so logic be damned. What I am hoping will happen in this next “brilliant chapter of my life” will help me uncover the holes, one by one, and begin to care for them. I need to recognize them because they are my pockets of vulnerability that I hide from the world. They are my soft spots that are easily bruised, so I have covered them and forgotten about them. However, thanks to Brene Brown I understand the truth about vulnerability.

Don’t know Brené Brown? Check out her TED Talk here!

 

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and see you soon.

Just keep asking!

"There are possibilities of me falling out of my chair today." Is the status I posted on fbook this morning for good reason. silly tired with a side of hangover. But I had possibly the best long weekend I have had in recent memory! The sisterly love I have for my best friend was on highest levels on the love-o-meter this weekend as she walked down the aisle as possibly the most bride ever! Seriously, ever. :)

Well beautiful she is, she is also kind and hardworking and really one of those people who doesn't speak poorly of others! In the past 6 months she not only planned a stunning wedding but she completely revamped her life by going through a nutritional and strength training program geared at turning your life upside down! Well she didn't just do it she done did it! The girl has never looked better! I have been in the same program for about 6 weeks and I can already see an incredible change taking place. It is hard work though, for that I can attest. How she planned a wedding and changed the very core of a lifestyle shows me that nothing is impossible! I am proud and inspired!

On to the topic of inspiration, TEDxColumbiaSC 2.0 was yesterday!

I was thinking back on some of the amazing talks I heard and I think one of the most underrated talk, just because he went first and it was a long day so he was less likely to be mentioned, was a young man by the name of Chase Mi-something or other. I am terrible with names! He is a student at the University of South Carolina who asked a simple question "Where does all that uneaten food go?" The difference with Chase is he kept asking the question until he found the answer he wanted! Well it took a bit more than asking questions but the head strong student broke down the barriers of "No we can't" to "Yes we can" and now instead of being thrown away, the left over food is donated!

If more times in our lives we could remember to keep asking the question because eventually we will find the right answer and the right person will be right along side you!

Then the volunteers and organizers went to celebrate at Gervais and Vine where one will always be over served and under fed, but that is the night that magic sometimes happens!